A Little Etiquette, Please!

I recall from my childhood that Mother used to have a big book that she often referred to when she was hosting a dinner party or other social gathering. I was Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette.

In it, one could find all sorts of rules and protocols for how one should set the dining table for every occasion at any level of formality, the responsibilities for every member of a wedding party, and all sorts of such trivia in which no self-respecting preteen boy would be interested. I think Mother bought it primarily to ensure that she (and the rest the family) would know how to behave ourselves, especially in public, at my brother's wedding.

Similarly, when the first of our daughters to marry was planning her wedding, my wife went to the library and returned with several books on wedding protocol. One book, How to Have the Perfect Southern Wedding, proved especially helpful, devoting an entire chapter each to the responsibilities of every member of the wedding party.

The shortest chapter in the book was the one that addressed the duties of the father of the bride. That was me. It consisted of three brief points: (1) Show up (on time), (2) speak up ("Her mother and I do"), and (3) pay up. The last point was the most important one.

I performed those tasks to perfection--four times. The rules never changed. Neither do the rules for proper etiquette.

The problem is that society has gotten lax in practicing proper etiquette. As society gets increasingly more casual and the rules of etiquette are forgotten (or simply ignored, or perhaps were never even taught), civility declines, and people begin to think their casual comfort is the only thing that matters. The focus becomes self rather than others. Who cares what anyone else thinks or how they feel or what my appearance or behavior says to them? What I want, what's comfortable for me, is the only thing that matters.

In case you've been on some other planet for the past several years and missed it, all you have to do is visit Walmart sometime, and you'll see more than you need to convince you that appropriateness has disappeared from the average person's vocabulary. And to think that I remember my mother dressed up to go grocery shopping! I often wonder if some people don't have mirrors at home. Or do they simply see what they wish they saw rather than the reality of the reflection?

Such selfish, lackadaisical attitudes and behaviors permeate society, from the intimacy of the family to the workplace to the church and everywhere else. It reveals a lack of self-esteem and affects how we view and treat each other.

I think I first became aware of this decline of culture and civility the first year of our marriage. The school where we were teaching presented a formal program in which all the female student performers wore long evening gowns and all the males wore tuxedos. Even the audience members dressed up. After all, it was a formal occasion. The program had hardly begun when one of the male students with a major speaking role advanced to the front of the stage. He was well coiffed and in his tuxedo, but he was wearing bright white sneakers! What class! He could have benefited from reading Vanderbilt's book!

In the business world, it began with "dress-down Fridays." But it has since devolved into dress down all week. As a teacher, I recognized the correlation between a student's dress and his or her attitude, posture, behavior, and achievement level. And I suspect that there's a similar correlation between the way employees and customers dress and their attitudes and conduct toward each other.

A student once approached me seeking advice about an interview he had with someone. (I've since forgotten what it was for, possibly a class writing assignment.) One bit of advice I offered was that he dress appropriately, not after the casualness prevalent in society even then; the quality of the interviewee's attitude and responses would be in direct proportion to the quality of not only the questions he asked but also his dress.

A few days later, the student rushed up to me before class and exclaimed, "You were right! I dressed in a shirt, tie, and sport coat, and he treated me like I was Phil Donahue!" (For you younger readers, Phil was a nationally famous talk-show host renowned for his ability to interview other famous and often controversial people and to coax valuable information from them.)

Today, however, people seem to have forgotten even the simple rules of etiquette that make for a civilized people. And it involves much more than how they dress. Maybe that's a contributing factor in our crazy, upside-down world where self-centeredness reigns.

Perhaps we would all benefit from reviewing (or perhaps reading for the first time) works by two historic American figures.

George Washington, he of Revolutionary War fame and our first president, compiled a list of 110 common, simple cultural principles or rules of common etiquette titled Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior. We should practice them today. Then we should teach them to our children. We'd have a much more civil society if we did. Here are just a few of them for starters:

• "Every action done in company ought to be with some sign of respect."

• "If anyone come to speak to you while you are sitting, stand up though he be your inferior."

• "Think before you speak."

• "When another speaks, be attentive yourself.... Interrupt him not, nor answer him till his speech be ended."

• "Drink not nor talk with your mouth full...."

Thomas J. Jackson, he who earned the sobriquet "Stonewall" during the "late unpleasantness," also collected rules of etiquette (he called them his maxims) when he was still a student at West Point. Here are some of them, and you might note that many of them echo those of Washington:

• "True politeness is the art of showing men by external signs the internal regard we have for them."

• "Never interrupt another, but hear him out."

• "Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation."

• "Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve."

• "Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, clothes, or habitation."

All of these principles--as well as the other rules by which these men lived--are just the beginning. But they are practical ways in which we can practice the message of Christ that is often termed "The Golden Rule": "As ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to the likewise" (Luke 6:31).

In short, focus on others and what affects them, not on self.

What a different world we would have if even a fraction more people practiced common etiquette such as this!